last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
