Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
