Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
