I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
