I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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