How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I believe in your delicious
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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