the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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