He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Sext me about skeletons
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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