You really coming over, don't trick.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
my phone needs a breathalizer
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
