On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
