Life is so much better after having sex.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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