You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Randomize
