just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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