So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
