My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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