I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
