Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
