What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
