tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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