i need an iv and a liver transplant
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
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Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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