On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
