I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
