The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
