dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
