walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
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