Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
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I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
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I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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