i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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