why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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