Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
You are a genius and a whore.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
