College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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