On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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