I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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