im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
