After last night, I could never be a politician.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
