there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
