Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
