the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
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