On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
