I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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