WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
