Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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