I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream