I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
