the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
