Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
