do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
