Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
