Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
