I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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