after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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