and next time when you feel me up, do it right
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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