he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
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