Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
