You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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