somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
